The following song is one I have liked for a long time and feel that it is fitting to were I am at with this story so I feel it would add something to the reading experience to listen to while reading and as always...
Kitty and I went to a place in town.
Kitty - I'm glad to have my best friend back.
Me - I'm glad too. So you and Donny huh?
Kitty - Yeah. Me and Donny. Can you believe it?
Me - I remember he wanted you for years. Years, that boy was after you and you won't give him the time of day. So how'd it happen? And when? How long have you two been together?
Kitty - Ha-ha whoa whoa. One question at a time girlie. It's been almost six years. Since a few months after you disappeared. I actually started to like him a little while before that, but nothing happened until this one night a bunch of us went out and I was still really upset about you. He was so sweet, and he comforted me, and I admitted I liked him ... well, one thing led to another. We've been together ever since.
Kitty - Enough about Donny and me, or you and me. What about Shawn and you? You must be so glad to be back together.
I look away.
Kitty - Hayley? You are glad to be back with Shawn... Aren't you?
I sigh before turning back to her.
Me - I... I don't know.
Kitty - You don't know?
Me - Things just aren't the same. It doesn't feel the same. I don't feel the same.
Kitty - You don't love him?
Me - No! That's not it. I mean ... I don't think so.
Kitty - You don't know? Maybe that's your answer.
Me - But he's so sweet and caring and... perfect and he's been part of my life longer than I can remember. I have known him my whole life. We were friends long before we realized we belonged together, that we loved each other. How could I not love him?
Kitty - Do you even hear yourself Hayley? Loved Belonged. You're using past tense.
Me - I love him, I do but...
Kitty - But not that same way you used to. That was the past, another life.
Me - I just don't feel right inside.
Kitty - You need to talk to him. You need to tell him this.
Me - I know. I don't want to hurt him.
It's late evening when we arrive back at the apartment and Donny informs me that Shawn is taking a swim on the roof. Hearing me come thought the door he starts to climb out. God, this would have been hard enough if he were clothed. I'm not in love with him anymore, but I can't say I'm not still attracted to him. I mean look at him. I bite my bottom admiring his body.
Coming over, he wraps his arms around me and starts to pull me into a kiss. I know I should stop him but I don't.
And so I share one last kiss with the man that was once the love of my life. While I did have other boyfriends before, finally realizing I wanted Shawn, I never loved any of them. How do you tell the only man you've ever loved that you don't anymore?
Me - I can't do this. I can't do this anymore. You know I love you, I you know I do, but..
Shawn - But what Hayley? I've been in love with you longer then I can remember. I have known you my whole life. You were such a big part of my life and then for six years you just disappeared and then you came back into my life just as suddenly. SIX YEARS HAYLEY!! And I just took you back and now this...
My voice cracks and my eyes start to water.
Me - I know. I wish I didn't feel this way.
This is why I loved him. I'm breaking up with him and he's comforting me. He's so sweet. He's prefect.... he's just not perfect for me.
Shawn - I didn't mean to snap like that. I guess we need to talk.
Me - I wish I could save from this hurt, but things will never go back to how we were.
Me - All these years I got used to living with out you. I dreamed about you... I guess I was in love with your memory. The memory of what we once were. I think this,being with you again, was really more about closure. Our relationship never really ended before. We need to end it right before we can move on.
To my surprise instead of getting upset, whether that means snapping and yelling again or saddening, he just sighs and looks off for a moment.
Shawn - I suppose you're right. I guess...
He pauses to pick his words
Shawn - I guess I needed to be able to hold you again before I could let you go.
Somehow without thinking I giggle at his word play.
Me - Thats it exactly.
He sighs again before standing.
Shawn - I guess this is goodbye.
Me - Does it have to be? We were friends once. I can't go back to not having you in my life.
Shawn - And I can't go back to being just you're friend. I don't know maybe someday but not right now.
Me - Oh. I,I understand.
I stand lean carefully against the roof borders and stare off. Yet again I find my self not really knowing what to do,where to go from here. Eventually it hits me.
I give the cab driver the remainder of the money I have and the directions to the address I want to go to in Weston Valley.
A little over half an hour later, we pull up.
Getting out I look up at the house I lived in from the time I was three up until my enslavement. I walk up to the door and easily find the spare key above the door frame.
I don't go into the front building of the house but instead walk though the enclosure. She must have heard me. Our eyes meet as we both reach the stairs.
We take a moment seeming to decide how to greet each other. Sarah and I were never close enough for us to hug and yet almost anything else seems either to formal or informal. Finally, we end up exchanging a somewhat awkward handshake.
She leads me to one of the back living buildings. Inside I know is a bedroom with living area and a bathroom that lets off to a patio with a hottub and outdoor shower.
Entering I'm for some reason surprised to find my old room exactly as I last saw it. My eye is instantly drawn to my record player and the case holding my favorite albums.
Next I see my harp.
But the thing that really draws my eye is on Sarah's wrist. The watch my father gave her shortly before we found out how sick he was.
Me - I thought Lawrence didn't like you wearing that.
Lawrence didn't like anything that reminded him how much she loved my father. So you can image how he felt about me.
Sarah - One of several reasons I'm not with Lawrence anymore.
Me - Really?
Sarah - Hayley , I'm not going to lie and say I love you like my own, though I wish I could, but I do care. Even if only for the fact that you are Andrew's daughter. When you went missing it was like losing him again. I don't care about all the stuff, you're really the only I have of him.
Wow. I always though she might of cared a little, that she wouldn't have just been glad to be rid of me when I was taken , but I still wasn't expecting this.
Me - Oh Sarah, I, I don't know what to say. I ,um, I was wondering if I could stay here though... for a few days maybe?
Sarah - Hayley, of course, this is your home.
Me - okay,um, thank you.
Sarah - No, need to thank me. As I said, this is your home.
Sarah - I would like to hear where you've been at some point if you feel like telling me, but I'll leave you be for now.
I stare as she leaves. She's changed. ... Has she changed or is it just the way I see her has changed now that I'm not some troubled kid stuck with her? Heading across the room I put on a record and turn the volume low.
I'm not that tired and don't plan on taking a nap as I settle down onto my bed but it just feels so good to be back in my bed. I start to dream. In my dream, I see Kitty and though I have every time I've seen her since being free...
Suddenly I can't deny it anymore.