Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Chapter Sixteen (Rewrite)

I don't know what I expected; that I would show up and he'd just be happy to have me back and we would be together? That I wouldn't just be here not even sure what I feel. The only feeling I know for sure is guilt, made worse when I see his face and the pain in his eyes. He doesn't know I'm awake, that I know he's there.
He stands there for a moment before walking awayI wish I could know what he's thinking.


Adam - Don't try and act like you're any better than the rest of us, you're one of us.
I slap him, hard. It feels really good to be on the other end of the exchange for once.
Me - Don't you dare compare me to you.
Adam - I've done bad things, but so have you, things  I haven't. I wasn't with them when they brought you here.
Adam - Yet you bring us her.
He gestures at the lock down cell and at Laura, my replacement. 
Me - Why...why are you like this? No one's born a monster. 
Me- What makes someone end up like you?
Adam - You don't wanna know.
With that he walks up and I follow, catching him just outside of his room.
Me - I asked a question clearly I do want to know
He sighs, turning to face me.
Adam - Alright. Give me your hand.
 I look at him suspiciously.
Adam - I'm not going to hurt you, if I were going to try anything, I wouldn't ask.
He rolled his eyes after a moment and sighed softly when I still don't reply. 
Adam - I swear on my mother, wherever she may be...
I finally hold out my hand, his grip is surprisingly gentle as takes it before pressing my fingers to his wrist hard enough to feel the bone and moving up along his arm. My face twisted in confusion and I look up at him feeling something.
Adam -  The bone is different there, I know. That's one of many breaks there were never properly set.
I pull my hand away, silently.
Adam - My fathers doing.
Me - A bad life is no excuse for bad behavior, to be no better then the person who made it that way for you
Adam - This may surprise you, but I agree. Events change people, other people change people, but despite what most people think we don't change ourselves, we are who we are. I had always had a hard life but I wasn't always...this.
I can't believe my ears, the tone of self loathing and disgust in his voice. 
Me - So you were knocked you around by your father. It's no excuse. 
Adam -  I know, I agree
Me - Then why are you telling me this? Do you think it changes anything?
Adam -  You asked, remember? You want to know what makes me someone like me,  I can't tell you anyone's story but my own. My mother left when I was two. I don't blame her, she had to get away from him, and she would have taken me if she could. I was a good kid, I did everything to try to please him. . It didn't make any difference though, not even my perfect grades. I was an overachiever in school, my  even earned a slot in Weston Academy.
Me - Weston Academy? You're from Weston Valley?
Weston Academy for Boys was the counterpart of my school Weston Preparatory School for Girls. 
He laughs, and it's not his usual laugh, heartless and  often made at someone else's expense, but a true, genuine laugh
Adam - Yes.
Me - Alright then, if you were such a good kid, which I find hard to believe, then what changed?
Adam - A week after I turned fourteen, I started volunteering at the hospital, it kept out of the house, away from him, and I was able to do some good at the same timeThe first day I met this patient who had supposedly fallen off a bike and landed badly, breaking her arm. I could tell though that that wasn't true, having used the same story myselfHer name was Kiara and we became fast friends. She was twelve when we met, a year and two weeks younger than me, oddly enough we met the week between our birthdays. Her father hurt her too, but he was an alcoholic and would hit her when drunk, but then he would feel bad about it he'd try to drink away his guiltA vicious cycle really, but she got out. She was put with a foster family while her father was forced into rehab. We were a couple by then and I thought she was lucky at the time but she wasn't. Her foster family was awful, they wanted to change her, act like her past didn't exist, and I was part of that past.
Me - I feel for her. So her foster parents kept you apart. Is that it? Everything you went though before and that made you snap or something?
Adam - Yes, no, it wasn't so much that they separated us but how. It was years later, her father never managed to stay sober long enough to get her back. She called me and had me come over. She was crying; she told me they had made her dye her hair. "They're trying to erase me," she said.
Me - That's awful. I really feel bad for her. What about you? 
Adam - I'm getting to that.
He snapped,  is voice suddenly took on the harsher tone I was used to.
Adam - I don't like talking about any of this, especially with you. 
Me - And what's that supposed to mean?
Adam - As if  you would want to talk to if our me roles reversed?
Me - I told you before, never compare me to you. I have every reason not to want to talk to want to talk to you, you have nothing. Go on. 
Adam - I'd always hated seeing her hurt even before we were together. I held and comforted her and...
He sighs, trying to gather his thoughts and chose his words.
I just  nod, it's obvious where it's headed and he's right this is not a subject I want to talk to him about, but it seems he might finally be about to actually answer my question.
Adam - They found us. It wasn't even supposed to happen. We had been together before but...
I give him a confused look.
Adam - It was the week between our birthdays again, I had just turned eighteen, but she was still sixteen.
Me - Oh...
Adam - We'd been together for three years. 
Me - I can't believe I'm saying this, but it wasn't your fault. You clearly loved her.
Adam - Very much, I still do and I always will, even though I know I'll never see her again...To be honest, I don't know if I want to, I don't...
His voice cracks, I didn't believe he was capable of such emotion. 
Me - You don't want her to see what you've become.
He looks at me for a moment and I know I'm right.

Turner comes to my room again, this is the third night he's come in and stood there,watching me. What is he thinking? I wonder as he turns to leave. 
Me - Don't go.
He stops and looks over his shoulder
Turner - You're awake?
I nod though I'm not sure if he can see me.
Me - Don't go.
Me - Please.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Chapter Fifteen

Of course I noticed it right away. The hair color, eyes, the same rich skin tone. I just didn't want to believe it. But I can't deny it. Lots of people look alike though, right? It doesn't necessarily mean anything... right? After my nap, I get on my computer.
I have to know for sure
Even though I've thought of being a chef when I was younger, I wanted to be a lawyer like my father. One summer I worked as an assistant to one of the lawyers at his old firm. I used this computer.
Because of this I have access to sites and records not readily available to the public.
I quickly and easily find the sites I want. Opening the site archives, I cross-reference birth and adoption records with case files
I knew what I would findI just needed to see proof to make myself believe it. Kitty is his niece... Turner's. The baby his sister gave away.
After dinner, Sarah and I sit and talk.
Somehow, we end up on the subject of my mother. 
Me - I don't know her and I don't want toI hate her. Not like some bratty teenager, I genuinely HATE her.

Sarah - Andrew loved her though, he used to talk about her sometimes. She acted like she loved him, making him fall for her, then she just left him. Who does that to someone?
Me - Oh god!
Sarah - What's wrong?
So I tell her. Once again I retell the tail of where I have been and all that has happened. She doesn't say anything. Does she make the same comparison? Does she judge me? 
After what seems like forever, she finally speaks.
It's late when we finish talking and I head to bed.
Waking up, I make the bed.
I love showering in the outdoors. I run a hand though my hair as a gentle breeze brushes softly against my skin.
After my shower, I sink into the hot tub and close my eyes. I take in a deep breath of the clean crisp morning air and listen to the birds chirping overhead and the fish splashing in the small stream below.
While I like the idea of becoming a chef, I still really wish to be a lawyer.
Luckily there is no record of me being caught shoplifting when I was sixteen, so that little incident isn't a problem when I apply for law school. That's what I get for trying something different.
 Should have stuck to picking pockets.
Me - Rylie, what are you doing in Weston Valley?
Rylie - Nice to see you too.
Me - I didn't mean.. of course it's good to see you. 
Rylie - Alright.
Me - Is something wrong?
Rylie - I get why you left, but I thought I was your friend.
Me - You were, you are. I should have said something to you. 
Me - It doesn't matter now though.
Rylie - It doesn't? And why not?
Me - Because... because I'm coming back.
Rylie - You're coming back?
Me - Yes.
Rylie - Now?
Me - There's one thing I want to do first, then we'll head back.
I hadn't planned to. It didn't occur to me until I said it, but I am, I'm going back. I mean I should at least tell Turner about Kitty, right? Sarah asked me if I thought my mother ever felt guilty for leaving us, I said no. Then she asked why and as I started to answer, I realized her point, I said she never felt guilty because... because she didn't care about us. Maybe it's just from comparing myself to her, but I do feel guilty. Does that mean I care about him? Honestly I don't know, and I suppose that says something in its self, doesn't it? If I didn't know that, I can't truly say I don't. What I do know is that I need to find out.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Chapter Fourteen

The following song is one I have liked for a long time and feel that it is fitting to were I am at with this story so I feel it would add something to the reading experience to listen to while reading and as always... 
Kitty and I went to a place in town.
Kitty - I'm glad to have my best friend back.
Me - I'm glad too. So you and Donny huh?
Kitty - YeahMe and DonnyCan you believe it?
Me - I remember he wanted you for years. Years, that boy was after you and you won't give him the time of day. So how'd it happen? And when? How long have you two been together?
Kitty - Ha-ha whoa whoaOne question at a time girlie. It's been almost six years. Since a few months after you disappeared. I actually started to like him a little while before that, but nothing happened until this one night a bunch of us went out and I was still really upset about you. He was so sweet, and he comforted me, and I admitted I liked him ... well, one thing led to another. We've been together ever since.
Kitty - Enough about Donny and me, or you and me. What about Shawn and you? You must be so glad to be back together.
I look away.
Kitty - Hayley? You are glad to be back with Shawn... Aren't you?
I sigh before turning back to her.
Me - I... I don't know.
Kitty - You don't know?
Me - Things just aren't the same. It doesn't feel the same. I don't feel the same. 
Kitty -  You don't love him?
Me - No! That's not it. I mean ... I don't think so. 
Is it?
Kitty - You don't know? Maybe that's your answer.
Me - But he's so sweet and caring and... perfect and he's been part of my life longer than I can remember. I have known him my whole life. We were friends long before we realized we belonged together, that we loved each other. How could I not love him? 
Kitty -  Do you even hear yourself Hayley? Loved Belonged. You're using past tense.
Me - I love him, I do but...
Kitty - But not that same way you used to. That was the past, another life.
Me - I just don't feel right inside. 
Kitty - You need to talk to him. You need to tell him this.
 Me - I know. I don't want to hurt him.

It's late evening when we arrive back at the apartment and Donny informs me that Shawn is taking a swim on the roof. Hearing me come thought the door he starts to climb out. God, this would have been hard enough if he were clothed. I'm not in love with him anymore, but I can't say I'm not still attracted to himI mean look at him. I bite my bottom admiring his body.
Coming over, he wraps his arms around me and starts to pull me into a kiss. I know I should stop him but I don't.
And so I share one last kiss with the man that was once the love of my life. While I did have other boyfriends before, finally realizing I wanted Shawn, I never loved any of themHow do you tell the only man you've ever loved that you don't anymore?
Me - I can't do this. I can't do this anymore. You know I love you, I you know I do, but..
Shawn - But what Hayley? I've been in love with you longer then I can remember. I have known you my whole life. You were such a big part of my life and then for six years you just disappeared and then you came back into my life just as suddenly. SIX YEARS HAYLEY!! And I just took you back and now this...
 My voice cracks and my eyes start to water.
Me - I knowI wish I didn't feel this way.
He does the opposite. Seeing how hurt I am,having to hurt him, he pulls me close.
This is why I loved him. I'm breaking up with him and he's comforting me. He's so sweet. He's prefect.... he's just not perfect for me. 
Shawn - I didn't mean to snap like that. I guess we need to talk.
Me -  I wish I could save from this hurt, but things will never go back to how we were
Me - All these years I got used to living with out you. I dreamed about you... I guess I was in love with your memory. The memory of what we once were. I think this,being with you again, was really more about closure. Our relationship never really ended before. We need to end it right before we can move on. 
To my surprise instead of getting upset, whether that means snapping and yelling again or saddening, he just sighs and looks off for a moment. 
Shawn - I suppose you're right. I guess...
He pauses to pick his words
Shawn - I guess I needed to be able to hold you again before I could let you go.
Somehow without thinking I giggle at his word play.
Me - Thats it exactly.
He sighs again before standing.
Shawn - I guess this is goodbye.
Me - Does it have to be? We were friends once. I can't go back to not having you in my life.
Shawn - And I can't go back to being just you're friend. I don't know maybe someday but not right now. 
Me - Oh. I,I understand.
I stand lean carefully against the roof borders and stare off. Yet again I find my self not really knowing what to do,where to go from here. Eventually it hits me. 

I give the cab driver the remainder of the money I have and the directions to the address I want to go to in Weston Valley. 
A little over half an hour later, we pull up.
Getting out I look up at the house I lived in from the time I was three up until my enslavement. I walk up to the  door and easily find the spare key above the door frame.
I don't go into the front building of the house but instead walk though  the enclosure. She must have heard me. Our eyes meet as we both reach the stairs. 
We take a moment seeming to decide how to greet each other. Sarah and I were never close enough for us to hug and yet almost anything else seems either to formal or informal. Finally, we end up exchanging a somewhat  awkward handshake.
She leads me to one of the back living buildings. Inside I know is a bedroom with living area and a bathroom that lets off to a patio with a hottub and outdoor shower.
Entering I'm for some reason surprised to find my old room exactly as I last saw it. My eye is instantly drawn to my record player and the case holding my favorite albums.
Next I see my harp.
But the thing that really draws my eye is on Sarah's wrist. The watch my father gave her shortly before we found out how sick he was. 
Me -  I thought Lawrence didn't like you wearing that.
Lawrence didn't like anything that reminded him how much she loved my father. So you can image how he felt about me.
Sarah - One of several reasons I'm not with Lawrence anymore.
Me - Really?
Sarah - Hayley , I'm not going to lie and say I love you like my own, though I wish I could, but I do care. Even if only for the fact that you are Andrew's daughter. When you went missing it was like losing him again. I don't care about all the stuff, you're really the only I have of him. 
Wow. I always though she might of cared a little, that she wouldn't have just been glad to be rid of me when I was taken , but I still wasn't expecting this.
Me - Oh Sarah, I, I don't know what to say. I ,um, I was wondering if I could stay here though... for a few days maybe?
Sarah - Hayley, of course, this is your home.
Me - okay,um, thank you.
She laughs. 
Sarah - No, need to thank me. As I said, this is your home.
Sarah - I would like to hear where you've been at some point if you feel like telling me, but I'll leave you be for now.
I stare as she leaves. She's changed. ... Has she changed or is it just the way I see her has changed now that I'm not some troubled kid stuck with her? Heading across the room I put on a record and turn the volume low.  
I'm not that tired and don't plan on taking a nap as I settle down onto my bed but it just feels so good to be back in my bed. I start to dream. In my dream, I see Kitty and though I have every time I've seen her since being free...
Suddenly I can't deny it anymore.